


so was it all for nothing (will we ever not see the monster in the mirror)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Episode: s06e01 Sanctum, F/F, Forgiveness, Gen, Healing, Niylah is a True Friend, Octavia Gets Validation, Post-Episode: s06e01 Sanctum, Pre-Relationship, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 16:17:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18673156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Niylah finds Octavia after the events of 6x01, and tries to help her find a way out of her anger.“You want to know why I woke you up? Because I hated how they were saying not to. Your life isn’t their choice. I know you’re angry at them, and you have every right to be, but I don’t think you can really explain why you’re actually mad at them.”“Theybetrayedus. That’s reason enough.”“They did. But I don’t think that’s why you’re angry at them.”“What else is there?”





	so was it all for nothing (will we ever not see the monster in the mirror)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: A lot of Niytavia scene coda fics coming up. Most of them will drop next week though, because oh my heart, I haven't even seen all of that episode, but still. I NEED TO MAKE THE PAIN BETTER.
> 
> This week you get this one though ;) And yes I know I have a bunch of WIPs to finish, but I need to get over what I've seen of 6x02 first.

Kane stashed back into a cryopod, Niylah could hear Abby speaking, to Jordan, to Raven, maybe even to her. But she didn’t care, and left the room without a word, now hearing Abby yelling after her.

Niylah kept walking. Abby’s feelings weren’t her concern. Octavia’s were.

She found Octavia on the second level of the ship, sitting in one of the windows. Niylah didn’t say anything, she just took a seat across from her.

“Is he dead?” Octavia asked, not looking at her.

“Not entirely. Abby put him back into cryosleep.”

“He should be dead.”

“What happened in there?”

“I told him the truth. About how he betrayed us. He started acting like the self-righteous bastard he is. As if he’s never made the kind of decisions I have. As if he hasn’t done the same things I have. As if he’s somehow above it all and better than me and -”

“Hey. It’s okay.” Niylah reached for Octavia’s hands, trying to give her some amount of comfort.

Octavia tore herself away and stood up. “It’s not okay! He almost killed everyone!” She yelled. “He doesn’t deserve mercy. He doesn’t deserve peace. He deserves to suffer.” She wrapped her arms around herself, in comfort or trying to control herself, Niylah wasn’t sure which, but she was increasingly unsteady on her feet and it worried her.

Niylah got to her feet slowly. “Okay. Let’s not talk about him. Let’s talk about something else.”

“What else is there? About how my brother just _left_ me here? About how my people are still dead? About how everything I did was for _nothing_?”

“You know that’s not true. We survived. Because of you.” Niylah stepped closer. “I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you for that.”

Octavia looked at her warily. “Excuse me?”

“Thank you. For saving our lives. Thank you for saving _my_ life, way back on that day when Skaikru couldn’t choose their people and wanted to throw me out of the bunker. Thank you for taking back the farm after Skaikru stole it. Thank you for reminding us that our job was to survive, even when people didn’t want to do what it took to do it. Thank you for giving us a second chance at life.”

“I lost. We lost.” Octavia whispered. “So many of our people died in that gorge.”

“They did. But it wasn’t your fault.” Niylah admitted, stepping right into Octavia’s personal space and running a hand over her cheek, steadying her with her other hand on her shoulder. “And they wouldn’t have even made it that far if it wasn’t for you. We would have all died in that bunker if you hadn’t done what needed to be done. We wouldn’t have even made it into that bunker if it wasn’t for you, choosing to share it between all the clans. We all owe you a great debt. People forget that. But I won’t.”

Octavia pulled away again, putting a few steps between them. “Why did you wake me up, Niylah? Abby even said you weren’t supposed to. No one wants me here. Everyone hates me.”

“I don’t.”

“I should’ve died in that gorge.”

“But you didn’t. You have a second chance.”

“For what? To suffer? To be hated? To be judged by people who have no right to judge me?” Octavia’s voice was bordering on hysterical, and her eyes looked lost as she searched for a way out, but Niylah wasn’t letting her go from this conversation that she needed more than anything else.

“No. To heal. To start a new life.”

Octavia scoffed. “A new life. As if that’s even possible.”

“It is.” Niylah grabbed Octavia’s arm and pulled her back to the window, making her sit down so that she’d stop wavering on her feet. “You want to know why I woke you up? Because I hated how they were saying not to. Your life isn’t their choice. I know you’re angry at them, and you have every right to be, but I don’t think you can really explain why you’re actually mad at them.”

“They _betrayed_ us. That’s reason enough.”

“They did. But I don’t think that’s why you’re angry at them.”

“What else is there?”

“You’re angry because they don’t hate themselves the way you hate yourself. They’ve made their peace with everything that they’ve done, but you haven’t made peace with what you’ve done.”

“How can I? It all meant _nothing_ in the end. How can I make peace with that?”

“We’re still alive. It meant something.”

“Not all of us.”

“No, not all of us. But that wasn’t ever going to be the case, was it? From the day of the Skaikru mutiny, you’ve known that. And that’s the part that hurts. That’s the part that makes you angry, because you’d promised your protection to 1200 people, and you weren’t able to deliver on that.” Niylah looked closely at Octavia, and it seemed like she was beginning to listen. “You have such a big heart, and it broke when you couldn’t do an impossible task. You don’t think you deserve peace because you couldn’t do it, but you do. You need to forgive yourself for not being able to save everyone.”

“How?”

_“Omon gon oson.”_ Niylah smiled wryly. “The best way to honour them is to live. To find that peace. You carry each of them with you. I know you won’t ever forget them. Finding peace and forgiveness for yourself doesn’t dishonour their memory. It _honours_ it. Their sacrifices were so that we would live. Now we have a chance to do that. Now _you_ have the chance to do that. Don’t let their sacrifices be in vain. Live. For them.”

“It doesn’t feel like enough.” Octavia whispered. “After everything, I - it doesn’t feel like enough.”

“Well, let’s start there.” Niylah said. “The rest can come later.” 

“Thank you.” Octavia said, gaze intense as she finally met Niylah’s eyes. She reached out a hand nervously, as if she was wondering if she’d still be accepted, given how much she’d pushed Niylah away.

Niylah took it without hesitation, squeezing it in reassurance. “I’m with you. You don’t have to ever doubt that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Paradise is Burning" by Outline in Color.


End file.
